i think reading twilight had some adverse effect on my mentality. stupid book, so easy to relate.


i should really make a resolution to stop procrastinating and sitting on things when they clearly need to be done. i was never good at that though... all the weight i thought i would be rid of by taking a semester off is now fully pressing down on me again. UGH. can't i just enjoy my life like a normal college student...? now i'm behind. ff.

at least i feel much better than last night, which is when i finished reading eclipse. seems to me bella has it easy - i'd take the personal problems over these technical ones anyday. i'm much better when it comes to my feelings and things of that nature.

to add to it all: he did it again. i never said i was perfect with those feelings things. seems my response wasn't acidic enough because he doesn't think i hate him. guess i have to try harder.


sigh. off into the disgusting new jersey weather...!

Dear ex-,

Though I still care for you like I would any other friend, your "I'm better and am wiser than you" attitude is very VERY aggrevating. If I have to listen to you once more telling me how I need to

a.) 'get away' from my current lifestyle [which, by the way, I am VERY aware of - I was the one who told you I needed to do this so kindly STFU]
or
b.) the fact that I should really focus on how to make myself happy instead of relying on a certain someone I am half-heartedly pursuing [because he is across the country, there isn't much I can actually do][also: THIS IS NOT TRUE so kindly stfu again],

I will seriously drive to PA [I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE] and tear your head off your body and cut out your tongue and eat your brains [since it is some twisted ancient Chinese tradition to believe that in order to gain anything your rivals have, you must eat that organ (or what have you) in order to attain it - with that said I'm sure you will see the sacrifice and CLEAR gain that you will be giving me in doing so; after all, THAT IS YOUR GOAL IS IT NOT?????].


Sincerely,

Your one and only [ex].


[Maybe I'll explain later when I'm not so angry.]

Also: Disney and the trip to Florida is going great.

So... does someone wanna buy me a rename token for LJ? xD




._.;

I feel completely lost, like I don't know what to do in or about my life. It got to the point where I even thought, "why the hell am i 'living' for?" -- not to belittle people who actually think of suicide, but I'm normally a pretty peppy cheery person, so something is very off.

Ryan sent me a present and card in the mail today, and it's probably the most fitting card I've seen in a while. It really made me smile, moreso than the gift he sent [which was a voidwalker figurine from WoW that he got from Blizzcon... lol]. That made me think about where to find comfort in my alarmingly shitty mood, and I realized... I don't really have anything/anyone for consolation [besides ranting in a journal, online and on paper]. Granted, I usually don't like burdening people with stuff in my life because honestly, it's not that big of a deal. People go through highs and lows their entire life, and this one is no different. I'd like to think I'm a really good listener and advice-giver if people ever need someone, but most of the time they just think the same as me.
So really, I don't talk to people about my "issues". I've ranted plenty about things that bothered me, and have bothered me in the past and it seems moreso that I just annoy people with these instead of just letting these issues go and moving on... which I guess is just a personal thing, I tend to brood over things that really, well, bother me.
I talked to Eddie for the first time in a couple weeks, and I told him the reason why is because I wouldn't rant to him about my [now ex] team/team leader issues, and he just said he "appreciated that," and the conversation stopped there. That actually kind of hurt. At least I don't have to hear about his team drama anymore... when we DID talk, I suppose. I don't really understand that kid either, but that's a different story all together. ANYWAY

I think I need to get away from here. However, the idea of moving anywhere far from home also makes me hesitant, as much as I think it would help. Especially for school, though that would be my best bet... My college career hasn't been met with much luck [I wasn't completely happy with Cedar Crest, and I'm terribly unhappy here at Rutgers despite it being a good school, but it takes more than that, I believe]. The idea of transferring again, and to somewhere far away, really frightens me. I'm also too poor to just travel for a week or so, just to relieve some tensions at home. This is where I say it sucks to be a commuter :P
I'd really like to travel to the west coast though, preferably sometime before Ryan comes back too... and I'm pretty sure that's in December, and then back to upstate NY for him. Maybe I'll take his offer to pay part of my ticket, but just as a loan.

@ gameboyguy - I think I might just take your advice. :)

And now I feel just a bit better.

I want nothing more than to see him again, and I have no idea when that will be.
And that's the saddest thing in my life right now.


Not gonna lie, it feels amazing to feel like the guy you like isn't trying to charm you. He's just being himself, and THAT is in itself charming.
Every once in a while I get those warm squishy feelings cause he does these little things to show he cares. They're almost invisible to the naked eye, so when I notice them it makes me incredibly happy.

I remember when we first started talking, he mentioned how he never talks to anyone about his problems since he never had anyone in his life to really turn to in that sense [he's quite a loner, really]. I told him that sometimes it helps to just rant about things that aren't going well, or to just talk about problems so you don't bottle up the negativity... not to push him to talk to me, just in general. Couple weeks later he'd talk to me about family things, stuff going on in his life that bother him, among other personal things I could safely assume he doesn't tell just anyone. That made me feel special.

He has tendencies to say the right thing at the right time. And not even realize it. He called me when his internet died. lol.

/boy nonsense

Instead of cleaning, I'm totally wasting time and being nonproductive. YEY! :D ( survey! )

It's such a nice [albeit hot] day today! What a shame the summer is almost over, though I can't say I'm terribly upset since autumn is my favorite season. Cool fall weather, trees changing color, clear starry skies... :D

With summer classes over I have a lot of time on my hands, but it's quite boring having nothing to do! Most of my friends are preparing to leave for their upcoming semester in college [I'm a commuter, so I don't travel anywhere] or some have even already gone, with a few exceptions going to ESWC Grand Finals // NVISION LAN. I was planning to go, but with the classes I took I wasn't able to juggle it with a job, so boooooooo. :( Hopefully though, I'll be able to secure one now [interview pending!]. Having money is always a good thing.
[Note: Anyone want to send me? :DDDDD]

I have to say, traveling this summer has gotten me quite addicted. Going to ESWC Masters was my first time out of the states, and it was so much fun [despite our mediocre performance]. I was able to see a lot of teams we met previously like MYM and EG, and even some of their members that weren't around for Chicago last year like LevenT, Fear, and Andre... And we got to meet teams that we knew online like SK, TeG, and +46! I feel like such a fangirl... Which, according to Fear, I am >_>
Anyway, in addition to seeing everyone at the event, we got some time every night to ourselves while there which was great too- at Chicago, we wouldn't be out of the LAN center until it closed most of the time, which means we weren't able to have access to dinner most of the time, unless we walked around inbetween matches to get a bite to eat. We got to be tourists for a bit [okay, so I only saw the Eiffel Tower], and experience some fine French cuisine [need I remind everyone of the picture of Hanni eating escargot? :D]. Mmmmm. The best was one of the last nights we had gone out and we went to this chique cafe called Chai 33, which had really good food, though our first dish [most of us ordered the menu] looked a bit like cat food. It was hard to finish it after that. ;p
Even though it was hard to say goodbye, the flight home kept the fun rolling. Two of my teammates and I were lucky enough [or maybe unlucky, ;D] to be flying home with EG|Whisper, EG's CS team, and the EG manager, Alex. We met up at the airport and checked in together, so we were in the general area of each other in the plane so it wasn't so boring. That night, my teammates and I met up with Whisper and Alex again to go out for dinner at TGI Friday's, and while Rinoa went home the rest of us went
to Whisper's house to watch a movie [by the way, Whisper: Mandy Moore has a penis :D]. We planned on going out to the theaters the next day, but we all woke up too late and Alex had to go home. :(

A couple weeks later though, we got to meet up again for the Fire & Ice VA LAN Qualifier event! Alex was kind enough to drive Whisper, Rinoa, and myself down [without killing us, I might add ;o]. I tried my best to keep us entertained through the whole trip, namely taking two stones Whisper gave me [so generous!] and rubbing them together to produce what TO ME was a soothing sound, right in Alex's ear :D Luckily for his sanity I fell asleep often, lol. We left for VA around 5AM, so it wasn't surprising I was tired. :p We managed to arrive at Mofo's house at 1PM with only one stop for real food [@ White Castle: we ordered 2 crave cases (60 burgers worth) and we managed to eat about one case worth] and of course gas. Mofo was kind enough to house all of us and then some for the night since the LAN was 2 days away. The next day, the four of us that left from NJ went to EG|Dunn's house for an awesome BBQ cooked by Dunn's parents, and it was DELICIOUS. After that, it was onto the hotel and thus the LAN the following morning!
The event itself was cozy; there were 11 teams that participated. There were a handful of well known members within the DotA community there as well, with their 'pug' teams, and some qualfied! EG took first, followed by PewPewCrew, Nasty [Dirty?] Habits, and Akuryou's team [I think... I could check but soo lazy]. We got to meet Mug N Mouse as well; we scrimmed against them a lot prior to the event so it was nice to put faces to names. :) Unfortunately, PMS|H2O fell just short of qualification, but with a new team 2 weeks prior to the event it's not quite unexpected. Still, even with that result, I'm really proud of my team and I have high hopes for the future.
It was a lot of fun hanging out with EG too, especially the last night when we all crashed their hotel rooms to celebrate. Whisper was complaining he was hungry and telling everyone to order pizza for him [which no one did, haha]. Luckily, TopIdler and a couple of his teammates from MnM stopped by the room to see if we wanted anything from Wendy's prior to the celebration, so Alex came up with an idea: Instead of ordering pizza for Whisper, he ordered $30 worth of chicken nuggets, which equates to about 150 of them, lol. They arrived a bit later with a shoppinng bag full of them, and as Whisper took his place on his bed Alex dumped a bunch of them in his lap, as if he was being showered in chicken nugget glory. Heheheheh...

Unfortunately for me, I think that will be the last of my events and traveling for the year. :( I can't complain though since PMS has been so generous when it comes to our team, especially since we haven't even proven anything worth a sponsor's time. I can only hope that one day, we'll be playing on a level much closer to MYM, SK or EG-- and we will, for sure! >D Then maybe PMS can be proud.

Until then though, I'll sit here on my couch with my laptop in my lap, drinking my Dunkin Donuts iced toasted almond coffee, watching Law & Order: SVU. And maybe making fun of Fear because he's a big noob.

So like, I desperately miss Chicago. D: And I can't believe I didn't write anything about it...
But maybe it was just too awesome for words ;x

I've actually been really busy playing games [is that an oxymoron...?], so I don't really do much else. I'm actually sitting in a scrim observing my teammates play right now, lol. Mass failing.
We want to get a video done with some clips from matches we've played, and 2 of them "decided" to use Britney Spears' Hot as Ice song. Zzzzzzzz. I will cry if that happens.
Lots of crying ingame now, even. tt.
It's a lot of fun playing professionally though, especially in a game pretty much dominated by guys. I hope we can take some good ranking in some tourney. Though I guess placing 7th out of 11 at Chicago isn't TOO terrible. Turns out we probably aren't traveling to Europe like originally planned which is a huge bummer, but oh well. What can you do? It wasn't in our hands in the first place. Maybe I'll just keep the refund check and go to Dreamhack Summer with it...

Life otherwise has been, well, going. It's been a bad start of a week, so I'm kinda mopey. tt.

In my love for music.

Any recommendations are greatly appreciated :)

By the way, Danny, where do you find all your J-pop/J-rock? I was looking for some new bands but not much luck. All my searches turned up a fanbase of anime music... which is alright, but I want more rock. :x